Helping Children with Anxious Emotions

Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Anxiety: Breaking the Cycle of Accommodation

As pediatricians, we see anxiety affecting so many children in profound ways. It’s one of the most common challenges we encounter, and it often begins to take root earlier than many families realize. While treatments for anxiety are available and effective, we see an opportunity to make an even greater impact by intervening earlier—helping parents of younger children develop skills and approaches that can prevent the cycle of anxiety from escalating in the first place.

A Universal Parental Instinct

As parents, we’re wired to protect our children. From the moment they are born, we respond to their needs and fears, soothing their cries, and making their world feel safe. This natural instinct isn’t just human—it’s part of the fabric of mammalian life. Mammals come into the world unable to care for themselves, and their survival depends on the caregiving relationship. Contact with a caregiver literally drives away fear, which is why we are so attuned to our children’s fear cues.

As our children grow, the way we respond to their fear must also evolve. Our natural instincts for love and protection can unintentionally entangle us in their anxiety. This is not unique to “some” parents—nearly 100% of parents do this at some point. But if we continually step in to alleviate their discomfort, solve their problems, or shield them from fear, we are actually accommodating their anxiety.

Why Accommodation Feeds Anxiety

Accommodation, while well-intentioned, reinforces anxiety. By removing stressors or solving problems for our children, we unintentionally send the message that they can’t handle the situation themselves. Over time, this accommodation fuels their anxiety and undermines their confidence.

It’s important to emphasize that this is not about blaming parents. If you are parenting a child with anxiety, you didn’t cause your child’s anxiety. Anxiety is a complex condition influenced by many factors, including genetics and temperament. But the way we respond to anxiety can either help children develop resilience or reinforce their fears.

As pediatricians, we often meet families at the very start of their parenting journey. This gives us a unique opportunity to support parents in understanding how their natural caregiving instincts evolve over time. In infancy, soothing and regulating your child’s emotions is essential—it builds trust and a sense of security. But as children grow, we want to help parents recognize when it’s time to step back, allowing their children to experience and navigate their own challenges.

This isn’t about withholding love or support. It’s about shifting the way we provide that support so it fosters independence and resilience. By equipping parents of younger children with tools and insights early on, we can help prevent the patterns of accommodation that so often reinforce anxiety later in life.

A New Way Forward: SPACE Treatment

I want to share with you a groundbreaking approach to helping children with anxiety called the SPACE program—Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions—developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz.

For children who are already struggling with anxiety, the SPACE approach offers a path forward. This method focuses not on changing the child but on empowering parents to change their responses. It recognizes that children often resist efforts to address their anxiety. That’s okay. With SPACE, parents make small, deliberate changes in their behavior—changes that don’t require the child’s agreement or participation.

The key elements of SPACE include:

1. Reducing Accommodation: Identifying and gradually stepping back from behaviors that reinforce your child’s anxiety.

2. Strengthening Boundaries: Reestablishing boundaries so children can experience and tolerate discomfort without feeling overwhelmed.

3. Focusing on Self-Control: Recognizing that you can’t control your child’s emotions, but you can control your response.

Building Resilience Through Healthy Boundaries

When a child struggles with anxiety, the boundaries between their anxiety and our own emotions often become blurred. Their fear elevates our fear, creating a cycle of distress. SPACE helps parents redefine those boundaries and hold onto the confidence that their child is strong enough to handle discomfort.

This doesn’t mean ignoring your child’s pain or being cold. It means lovingly holding space for their emotions without rushing to fix or erase them. Children need to experience the natural ups and downs of life—the moments of fear, frustration, and uncertainty. These experiences, as difficult as they may be, are what help them build the resilience and confidence they need to face challenges as adults.

Preventing the Cycle of Accommodation

For parents of younger children, there’s an opportunity to prevent the cycle of accommodation before it takes hold. This begins with recognizing that it’s okay for your child to feel anxiety and fear. These emotions are not problems to be solved but part of life. When we allow our children

to face these feelings, we send a powerful message: I believe in your strength. I know you can handle this.

This doesn’t mean abandoning them in moments of distress. Instead, it’s about providing support in a way that encourages their independence. For example, instead of solving a problem for them, you might coach them through finding their own solution. Instead of avoiding a feared situation, you might guide them in approaching it step by step.

The beauty of SPACE is that it’s not about doing everything perfectly. It’s about making small, manageable changes that add up to big shifts over time. Whether your child is already struggling with anxiety or you’re looking to build resilience from the start, this approach offers a way forward rooted in love, confidence, and respect for their journey.

If you have a child with anxiety and you are interested in learning more about SPACE and how to apply it in your family’s life, please call the office to make an appointment with Dr. Kornfeld or Dr. Sussmann, both who have been trained in this technique.